And so it’s goodbye, just for now.

“We pour a bit of ourselves into everything we do, every note we play, I thought, and unwittingly, one fragment at a time, we leave ourselves in the past.” – An Yu 

Seven years. It has been seven years of Daisychain, and what an honor it has been to provide this service. Time, change and transition stand as the ever consistent points of my reflection.

The idea of Daisychain came to me when I saw a need. Seeded in a moment of adversity, lack of visibility and patriarchal limits, my hope was to grow something and create change. The ethos of Daisychain has always been in an effort to change through connection and strength. I asked DJs to put together a guest mix to share their experience, their voice, their hope. And when people would share gratitude with me for doing so I often would reply, “I am but a vessel!” 

My tears and sweat poured into this series for the past 366 weeks. It would make me laugh each time I received an email addressing the Daisychain “team” or the surprise from folks when they learned it was only me here behind the series making it happen. Rarely did I take moments to acknowledge the output of energy this took. There was never a week missed except for literally just a few and those were done so with intention. But even when there were some weeks when my life became too much to handle, the Daisychain mix releasing that Tuesday is what kept my head above water. I wasn’t always thriving, far from it. But I did my very best and the act of showing up and getting the mix out is what sometimes kept me together when I was otherwise falling apart.

Symbolic language and synchronicity were deeply imbued in this project. Watching this language develop over time was incredibly magical to witness. There were also many moments of color kismet that continued to blow my mind over the years. A fun fact that not many folks noticed but I’d like to officially share now: if you scroll the Daisychain Soundcloud I arranged the order of colors to be a rainbow gradient. More times than I can count, I would release an artist’s mix and immediately receive a message about how their mix color is their favorite color and ‘how did you know!?’ It’s mysterious magic! 

I am quite overwhelmed at writing these words as I reflect on seven years of weekly mixes from DJs and artists that everyone has so thoughtfully created. For the vulnerability of soul-bearing through sound. For the conversations I had with every single person about their life and creativity, and the hardships found within both.

When these mixes release, it is more than just a mix. It’s a voice. It is a person. A human being with feelings high and low, with attributes and faults, fears, triumphs, failures, aspirations. A person who wakes up each morning to live their life and be themselves and learn to love themselves. To meet adversity in a society that tells us ‘No. You can’t. You don’t belong. You don’t matter. You’re not enough.’ These mixes take the dark and the heavy and alchemize it with light. These people have told their story about who they are, how they see themselves, how they want to be seen and propel their sound into a becoming of authenticity. Sound waves transmute into beams of hope for the listener. The one that needs the message of encouragement, the feeling that for just an hour or two everything is okay. ‘I am held here. I am seen.’ And when those listeners feel the message the mix carries, it reflects back to the creator of it, and they are then held and seen. It’s a beautiful symbiosis that I watched repeat itself time and time again.

Looking back now on all this time, it truly feels like it was a practice of call and response. How healing. I can attest that Daisychain has healed me in more ways than I can explain in this simple note to you. 

But when I started Daisychain, I was as despairing as I was hopeful. I was living in the extremes. I was told many times I wasn’t good enough, but deep down I knew I was, but even deeper down I wasn’t so sure. I did not see my voice as one that mattered whole-heartedly. I often simply saw myself as maintaining existence. At times I felt self-love and I learned how to self-care in the past seven years. But I also knew self-loathing and self-harm. Creativity and music was a safe place for me but it was also my greatest escape. 

It took me years before I realized the message I was sending with Daisychain ~ (screaming loudly) ‘YOU MATTER AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ARE!’ ~ I was exclaiming to the world at the intensity at which I did not feel that for myself. What I wish I had, I wanted to provide to others because I knew that pain so deeply. One day, years down the road, it really sunk in for me what Daisychain grew into and what it meant for people. And I thought, perhaps I can feel those feelings too. How healing.

So I started to learn to love myself in new ways. I learned new tools. I excavated the trauma. I tried healing myself into a perfect human being until I realized that it was impossible. And then I learned healing is not linear. I watched the cycle of construction and deconstruction. I looked so closely that it was painful and I also learned how to have a soft gaze. I watched myself pulling lever after lever to deal with discomfort and pain, until finally I learned what I was doing. I started breaking cycles. 

I got sober.

My life began changing faster than I could keep up with. Once I started on the journey of sobriety there was no way back. And it is a gift I wouldn’t give up for anything. I have been learning boundaries, the authentic no and enthusiastic yes. I am learning to function in this world as an adult in an entirely new way. How to live less in the extremes. How to have true acceptance. But most important of all, I am learning more about who I am.

I would not be rigorously honest with you if I did not say that my ability to exist in these physical spaces became challenging. The spaces and parties I occupy are now chosen wisely and the gigs I play have become increasingly more intentional. How I functioned as a raver was what fueled and inspired me. Since that has changed there has been this ripple effect. This past year and a half I have been in a state of grieving my past self, which includes the way in which I created as an artist. Aspects of me will always remain true. But while I find my new way in this transition of my life, it’s time for me to truly accept change.

In all of these years, I myself have never made a Daisychain mix. Now, here it is. Talk about daunting pressure! But with these ideas of time, transition and change, I did a retrospective to create this concept: my sonic journey through Daisychain. I went back and listened to all of my old mixes to select tracks that were of utmost significance to me during this span of time. I wrote down 125 tracks on 125 post-its that took over the walls of my dining room. I somehow narrowed it down. This was a truly wild task and an exercise in reflection and acceptance. I listened to myself going through various stages of life, various stages of being a DJ. I heard the moments of heartbreak, the moments when I gained more confidence in my sound. I heard myself playing it safe as a baby DJ, to taking absolutely wild risks as time went by. But one of the most interesting parts of this: I didn’t hear the mistakes the same way as I did then. We are all our own worst critics. When I made a mix or released a live recording there were moments when I would cringe to no end at something that sounded totally off or came in at the wrong time or had the dial turned the wrong direction when I turned on the LPF/HPF. I would obsess. Enough time has gone by that I didn’t hear any of that anymore. All I heard was me trying my best and expressing how I was feeling as authentically as possible. Mistakes are beautiful. They are what make us human. It’s progress, not perfection.

So with that Daisychain in its current form ends, in the hope to make space for a new beginning. I have some ideas. They are new seeds ready to be planted when the time is right. The message and the community remains the same, with a whole new intention.

Something I wrote during year one of Daisychain: “Daisies are deeply symbolic. They represent new beginnings and transformation. They are cleansing and radiant. They open at dawn as the day is about to begin. A daisy is made of two flowers: the petals and the sacred geometry of the disk florets in the flower’s center. ‘There is a flower, a little flower / with silver crest and golden eye / that welcomes every changing hour / and weathers every sky.” – James Montgomery

Beyond the DJs, the listeners, and my loved ones that have supported me along the way, I would like to share some gratitudes:

❀ Huge thanks to every single person who reached out to submit over the years. If you didn’t get a chance to release on the series, I just wanted to let you know ~ I still have your email. I see you.

❀ A thank you for the people who helped me out behind the scenes. Money donated here and there, a supporter who sent me a router when I moved into a new apartment and was broke and in need. Grateful for every person who purchased something from any of the small merch drops. I have been supporting Daisychain with my own wallet and very little money to my name throughout the years, so every little bit truly counted.

❀ Big shouts to the many people who helped make Daisychain parties happen. Friends who hosted at their spaces for the true DIY energy, promoters who invited me to curate for them, the clubs that hosted us. To the friends who helped me put up my deco ideas (my favorite!), who helped me by working door/running errands, and every friend that came to the party and brought their beautiful and respectful energy to the floor. The Daisychain 1 year anniversary at the Support System loft (WILD!), all of the cute intimate patio parties at Kiddo’s, the Daisychain 5 Years of Rave party in Chicago with a damn line around the block, chains and daisies in the trees for Humboldt Arboreal Society x Daisychain, and the double header weekend with a party at Podlasie in Chicago followed by a 5 Years of Rave celebration at Madison JAMS. Last but certainly not least, thank you to the DJs who performed at each of them. You made me and all of us dance, scream and cry. 

❀ A massive thank you to Refuge Worldwide for asking me to host a Daisychain show on their radio. This was my first radio residency and it was a pleasure to bring past Daisychainers back to release another dose of their sound stretching from Berlin and beyond. To Andrew Thompson of Huntleys & Palmers for hosting a Daisychain Takeover on Rinse which was a dream come true.

❀ To the journalists who recognized Daisychain and my work with very special features in their publications: Michaelangelo Matos for Mixmag, Leor Galil for the Chicago Reader, Cory Perla from The Public, Kristy Rock from Qween City. And a thank you to Reg (aka Love Higher) for bringing me on the DJ Social Club panel discussion on Verge.Fm.

❀ To the graphic artists that contributed their gorgeous work to the end of the year thank you flyers: May Day, Lennon Dinda, Alexis Shuler, Jess Hutchinson, Ryan Bunao, Javi Gutierrez.

❀ To every sweet person that I met whom I gave a Daisychain sticker to on a dancefloor somewhere. This was one of my most favorite things to do and I simply loved meeting you and seeing your face light up.

❀ A loving and honorable thank you to one of our very own Daisychainers, DJ Macro (aka Dani) who left this earth a few years ago. They were a light. Your art and your voice will be missed. 

❀ And once more: thank you to the Daisychainers. You made this what it was. Perhaps I am more than just a vessel, but without you this series would not exist. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

xo,

Leesh

Find Daisychain on…
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